Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Iii
Look up at the poster at the start of this review. Raphael is holding his sai in-hand, this is because both him and Michelangelo have the same color headband so they had to give him something to distinguish him. Not even the poster is safe from the faults of this movie.
Jim Henson past during the production of the second movie so they didn't have access to the Henson company for the third movie and we have different costumes in this one. They look horrific! Their bodies are shiny and synthetic looking, their mouths just flap open as if there's just someones hand in their heads working it, speaking of their heads, their all the same there is no physical difference from any of the Turtles.
The movies plot is about April O'Neil acquiring a scepter that can switch places with people in time (who made that?) and in her place is a samurai prince in the middle of a war between the royals of the time and bandits. So the Turtles need to go back and save April. That's the plot, I suppose there was potential there, but what does it matter, its already dead as soon as you see the Turtles.
Speaking of the bad looking Turtles, Splinter is just as bad if not worse. He looks terrible, they only shoot him from the waist-up, except for one shot, so there is no doubt that this is a puppet (a really bad one). There is a shot where you see him full body sitting on a chair...and there's noting there, he has no legs! They couldn't even give him legs for that shot, or work around it so that don't show him from the waist down, or put a table infront of him...anything!
The Turtles have a big roster of villains, massive. So now that Shredder is good and gone that means that they can really have their pick of the litter. How about a villain that hasn't gotten much exposure before, how about someone like Kraang, Slash, the Rat King, the Punk Frogs. But no we get one discount samurai lord and some pompous British swindler. But to be fair to actor Stuart Wilson, he is clearly the only one that knows he will get nothing out of this movie so he is obviously having fun. Its not even that these are generic uninteresting villains its that the villains of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are suppose to be wild crazy ideas and concepts.
There's a line where they make a point that in the early sixteen hundreds the Japanese started trading with the British, that's how they are able to speak English. That's not bad actually, that does explain how the Turtles are able to converse. But most of the time the Japanese speaking born and bred natives speak English most of the time, even the ones that wouldn't have traded with the British, some of them even have rather strong American accents. Why? Because the movie has no respect for its audience and their too lazy to have the actors speaking two languages and be bothered to insert subtitles in post.
The jokes ow my god! You cant even call these jokes by any standard, these are terrible upon shameful, within tastelessness. So much so we cant even call them jokes, therefore I shall dub them, dead dialog. The dead obrolan that the Turtles consistently spurt out within every thirty seconds without fail is nauseating. Do not spend too much time dwelling on the fact that someone got paid to write this.
Before in the first movie the Turtles personalities were painted in primary colors. Here all distinction has faded away, if you would simply read the obrolan you wouldn't be able to tell which Turtle is speaking. There just ugly, flapping heads on-top of synthetic bodies.
Meanwhile back in the present they bring in Casey Jones to take care of the Turtles replacements. Ellias Koteas is still so likeable and charming in the role but you know while watching that it's all for nothing. What a waste of a good actor.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles three was the shot in the head and the nail in the coffin for the franchise. It failed as a commercial hit and was a massacre on a critical level.
Rating: 1/2 star out of 4
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