Marval Movie

While I was sitting in the theater watching this new Tarzan movie I constantly had to pick up my jaw that had hit the floor.

The movie starts in space whe.... wait what? Space is where this movie starts! They decide to start a Tarzan movie in space? OK, moving on. Where its actually seventy million years ago and a meteor hits the earth...Huh? I think their insinuating that this is the meteor that wiped out the dinosaurs but its never clear. Anyway this meteor has limitless power, but its also evil, or haunted...something like that. Where do I even begin, was the writer high when he came up with this? What kind of drugged out mind comes up with this when developing a Tarzan movie? First of all they ripped off the Avatar, secondly this is so out of left field as-well as making no goddamn sense!

Then we cut to millions of years later where a family is investigating in the jungle for whatever reason and they have a son with them, a tall, around ten year old son that names himself Tarzan...just no. Moving on they find where the meteor landed, in a barren wasteland that looks like Lex Luthors island in Superman Returns. Anyway the boy becomes an orphan, the gorillas take him in, MOVING ON!

The boy then grows up and this Tarzan (Kellan Lutz) looks just how he does in the Disney version, but then how many designs can you have for a jungle man in a loincloth?

We then meet Jane (Spencer Locke), who to me looks a lot like Tarzan's mother...make of that what you will. Terrible, just terrible. There is nothing beyond a smiling face. That's it I'm struggling to write more than that but therein lies the masalah because there isn't anything else.

Its been a while since I've seen the 1999 Disney Tarzan so its not exactly fresh in my mind. But I still remember that as a solid piece of entertainment. I'm not going to pretend that I'm well versed in the Tarzan lore because I'm honestly not. But I'm pretty sure they didn't involve alien rocks and corporate tycoons moving in on the Jungle. 

This movie is dead looking its story, the characters to the action. The animation never, not once seems alive and that is the magic of animation. In the great animation movies they make the characters seem real, seem like a drawing or an image that was created by a computer is a living thing, that there is a brain working behind them. Here I see the flat two dimensional image and nothing else beyond that.

There are just so many choices or attempts at humor that the movie makes and I could not believe that it was really happening before my eyes.  

Voice-over is inserted in parts of the movie, lazy, contrived, unnecessary voice-over. The creators clearly have no faith in their audience's intelligence, but that's to be expected because I have no faith in the creators intelligence.

The jungle and the lighting are the only redeemable aspects of the entire movie where there was clearly effort. The jungle is a lush well designed environment where you can truly look very deeply at and find loads of details, more than any of the humans this is a real character. The lighting also is well done, the way it movies through different objects like leaves and hair to the atmospheric rays that are cast in the interior scenes. And the rest is garbage.

Now I ask this who, who will enjoy this movie? Or even who was this movie intended for? The obrolan and comedy is as smart as a rock that thinks its a plug socket, so maybe, just maybe if you have dumb children that don't understand what funny is they might sit still ofr this movie. But there is also dark, complicated story elements to the story that will confuse the children and most likely infuriate the adults (I know I was). 

Early on this year I thought that I wouldn't see a better movie than The Lego Movie. Then I predicted that I wouldn't see a worse movie than Godzilla. 2014 is turning into a very mixed year. Already I've experienced two of some of my new favorite movies and now two of my most hated.

Rating: 1 star out of 4